Animated Atrocities 111
Great. My last review was claimed by Your Family Entertainment, the people who have the distribution rights to Da Boom Crew. In Germany! You know what, let's just forget it; I've talked about it enough. Just give me something that no one ever ''wants to claim that they have made it. That claiming that they actually own it, would be such a shame and disgrace that they would never want to show their face in public again. sure about this? Yes. I am sure. like REALLY really bad I don't care what the fuck it is. Just give it to me and give it to me now! Many Different Ways To Play appears. Oh shit. Well, it's time for Newborn Cooties 2: Electric Scootaloo! You may remember that I reviewed the first Newborn Cooties short a couple of years back. If you don't remember, let me give you a brief synopsis: two rainbows have sex and birth an abomination onto the land. That's roughly a description of the entire plot; they tried to fill 11 minutes with that! I got pretty heated in that review; more angry than I have been in pretty much any other review. I think the only one that comes close is my Elf Bowling review. And a lot of people have trouble understanding why; because stuff like this shit, it-it does make me angry. It's kind of the antithesis of everything I stand for in principles of creation. You know let's start with this: people think that because they're making something for kids, they don't need to put any effort into it whatsoever. They can slap together things that would make the goAnimate crowd blush; things that would be laughed off of Newgrounds. And that they can charge people money for it. When you create something for a specific audience, you believe this is what the audience wants and deserves. And as a result, both of these shorts feel like they have a heavy amount of contempt for the audience; in a similar way to Drawn Together: The Movie. The only difference is that Newborn Cooties doesn't outright say that they do. Let me put it this way: ''there is no way that anyone would make something like this, unless they thought the audience they were making it for would consume literally anything! And they're happy to take advantage of that! Even people just getting started and creating their first animations could do better than this. I know it's very pretentious to say this, but yes, I could do better than what is presented here. You. I don't know who you are, but you in the audience, you could do better than this. Even people just getting started and creating their first animations could do better than this! And as somebody who wants to be a creator of some kind, this really bothers me. You know, put some pride in your work! I'm rambling again; let's just get this over with. This episode has the same exact intro as the last one. It's still terrible and I hate it. That pony is still having some kind of seizure and desperately needs medical attention. This one is titled "So Many Different Ways To Play". Which just sounds fascinating, doesn't it? Well maybe it was the title of an adult film. Pinkie Pie: I remember the day I met Scootaloo. I am going to hate this, aren't I? So the episode gets off to a great start with... chirping butterflies! No really: they have butterflies that chirp like birds. And as you can clearly see, they could have had birds flying around. But no: they are too lazy to fix the simplest problems. Because 'kids be stupid! They won't care!' Apparently the episode starts with a tea party. Can I die now? Please? This thing is gonna kill me anyway. We'll just get to the same end result sooner. Pie appears Wow. That is the best jump scare that I've seen in quite some time. Props, man! You put plenty of effort into making that monster look as hideous as possible! It looks like it's ready to devour souls! Oh wait, it's the same creepy character designs from the last short with no effort whatsoever. Except, this time they have lip movement! So, uh, they're at least trying? Pinkie Pie: This certainly is a pinkalicious tea party! Wouldn't you say so, Mr. Quackerson? Quackerson: Yeah, I-It's great tea! But can you please let me go? You've been holding me for so long! I promise I won't tell anyone you've been holding me hostage! Just please let me go! Don't you think I've been here long enough? Pinkie Pie: You're quite right! I couldn't agree with you more! What do you think, Sir Cuddles? Sir Cuddles: Eh yeah, I say fuck him. He knew what he was getting into when he tried selling you that car insurance. Pinkie Pie: You're certainly right, Sir Cuddles. I so know what you mean. Sir Cuddles: Now-now about my family... Pinkie Pie: But don't you worry. My friend Cherrelle will be joining us shortly. So we have a long shot of Pinkie Pie crawling over to the door, where she meets Cherrelle. And Cherrelle brings her little sister, Scootaloo. Oh, so Scootaloo is actually Cherrelle's little sister. Fan-fiction ruined forever. Scootaloo: Yay. Yay. Wonderful! Um, I think I actually prefer the lip-syncing in the other episode. You know, the one that didn't actually have lip-syncing! So they all introduce themselves to each other. Pinkie Pie: Would you care to join our most Pinkalicious tea party? eyes widen Jack, do you have the fucking flamethrower?! I don't care if it's illegal, just get the fucking thing over here now! If I don't kill this thing, we are all screwed! I know: this is one of the signs of Cthulhu rising up from the ocean and killing us all. We have to do this now! Then, Scootaloo does whatever the hell this thing is for a while. I want you to notice how they're using the same animation cycle, and just moving it around a bit each time. As you can see, we can learn from this short how many corners you really can cut, before you have numbers so small that they fold in on themselves in some sort of mathematical paradox. But, maybe I'm being a little harsh. After all, this probably came after some kind of budget cuts and it's all they could afford on half of their usual ham sandwich. Cherrelle bought a picture book. flashes a grin Oh my fucking god! Jack, cancel the flamethrower! I need grenades! Lots. And Lots. Of fucking grenades! We have a demon on our hand. And if we don't move now, WE. ARE GOING. TO DIE! Pinkie Pie: This is my most favorite book in the whole wide world. Yeah, I remember that one: it was on the New York Times bestseller list, in between War And Peace and To Kill A Mockingbird. ''Then, Scootaloo turns off the lights. revs up '''Pinkie Pie:' Um... Oh, this just got interesting. Actually, Scootaloo ends up being the one who's turning the lights on and off. Very, very, very small things amuse very, very, very small minds, I'm assuming. Also, they're using this to avoid animating lip-syncing. Which seemed to be a struggle, for them to get over their laziness, to add in the first place. Scootaloo: On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. laughs On. Off. They're also using this darkness to avoid animating anything else. I take back what I said about preferring the no lip-syncing. Honestly, it's hard to tell which one is actually lazier. She does this for a while, and during this time, you can't help but notice how lazy and minimalist the animation is. I can practically see the tweens, as Scootaloo moves around the room. And, if you could believe it, this 9-minute episode with next-to-no plot, actually has filler! Scootaloo is just running around the room, and not contributing to anything that could remotely be called a plot. Despite being excited for tea parties and picture books, now Scootaloo is extremely fussy and doesn't want to do anything. Yes, audience of 1-year-olds: this is how frustrating you are when you don't want to eat your food. So stop doing this, or people will hate you! Pinkie Pie: Okay then. What would Scootaloo like to do? Or rather, if you keep being fussy, the world will adapt to you and do whatever you want. Scootaloo notices the chirping butterflies. She's fascinated by the fact that they were made in the exact same mad scientist's laboratory as her, and her sister, and her sister's friends. So, the solution to the episode is have these unsupervised babies go outside. Oh my fucking god, she's attacking! Never mind the grenades! Never mind the grenades! I need an ICBM! I don't care if it'll wipe me out too. Just do it, and do it now! There's no way I can live with the horror on screen for very much longer anyway! They can't even get to 9 minutes. They're already reusing the filler and the tweens that they were using from before. Pinkie Pie: Sometimes, doing your own thing can be a lot of fun! But playing together? That's what it's all about! That wasn't the message of this at all! They wanted to play together from the beginning; Scootaloo was just being a selfish idiot the entire time! A closer message to what you were going for is that when you play with others, you can't always do what you want. And even if you're going for that, it still fails. Because Scootaloo got exactly what she wanted for no reason at all. Despite not really being their friend. Before the bombs go off and kill us all, I suppose I should tell you why Newborn Cooties really grinds my gears more than most other things I review. Like, real, legitimate anger. Here's a horrifying statement: this came out in 2009. Tar Boy also came out in 2009. Elephant's Dream was made in 2006, using entirely free software. The people who made Tar Boy and Elephant's Dream: they were not paid for their work. They created something just because they could. Meanwhile, the people here actually got paid to make this. Let me repeat that: people were given money to make this, and they asked for money in return. Money to sell this. In the meantime, we have people who are making things for free, and giving them away for free, that are objectively better in every way possible! I've seen artists and animators work, and I admire the hard work that goes into what they do. There is no excuse for what I have just reviewed. And every single excuse that can be mustered, is an insult to my intelligence and the intelligence of whoever this was made for! Remember: this and "Over Two Rainbows" were made for a specific audience. It wasn't made for the creators. Even something like 12 Oz. Mouse or Ren Seeks Help can claim that it was made for the creator; it's what the creator wanted to see. But this? It uses stereotypes to pander to an audience that the people behind the show will have probably never met in their lifetimes. It feels like I'm watching something made to scam kids out of their parents' money. And someone having this little respect for the medium in which they work, and their audience, I-I just have to revile it. Of everything that I've ever reviewed, these 2 animations have no reason to exist, beyond extorting money out of people. This is the animation equivalent of a cheap knockoff toy, filled with glass, and coated in lead paint! There is no reason not to be disgusted by someone making this. Trivia- "Newborn Cooties 2: Electric Scootaloo". It gets points right off the bat for the title alone. * When talking about the tea party scene: Pinkie Pie: This certainly is a pinkalicious tea party! Wouldn't you say so Mr. Quackerson? Mr Enter!Quackerson: Yeah, I-It's great tea! But can you please let me go? You've been holding me for so long! I promise I won't tell anyone you've been holding me hostage! Just please let me go! Don't you think I've been here long enough? Pinkie Pie: You're quite right! I couldn't agree more! What do you think Sir Cuddles? Mr Enter!Sir Cuddles: Eh, I say fuck him. He knew what he was getting into when he was selling you that car insurance. Pinkie Pie: You're certainly right Sir Cuddles. I so know what you are talking about. Mr Enter!Sir Cuddles: Now about my family... * Every time Scootaloo makes a really terrifying facial expresion, Enter demands for weaponry to exterminate the abomination in front of him with. From flamethrowers... Mr. Enter: Jack, you have the fucking flamethrower! I don't care if it's illegal, just get the fucking thing over here now! If I don't kill this thing, we are all screwed! * To explosives... Mr. Enter: Oh my fucking god! Jack, cancel the flamethrower! I need grenades! Lots. And Lots. Of fucking grenades! We have a demon on our hand. If we don't move now, WE. ARE GOING. TO DIE! * To a goddamn ICBM. Mr. Enter: Oh my god it's attacking! Never mind the grenades! Never mind the grenades! I need an ICBM! Category:Animated Atrocities